How to Understand your Friendships
By the end of this blogpost you will be able to identify what to expect out of your current friendships and action steps towards building more fulfilling ones.
I find myself often talking to both friends and clients about the three circles of friendship. The conversation usually stems from one of the three below scenarios:
You are finding yourself disappointed and let down in a friend relationship. It may be that you are trying to get inner circle needs met from someone that is actually better suited in your middle circle.
You find that during the isolation of the pandemic your middle circle and outer circle relationships were few and far between. You are now realizing just how much you need these interactions.
After the recent dissolution of a romantic relationship you find that you have lost touch with your few valued inner circle friends.
Whatever the reason, it is time to look at the relationships in your life and determine what needs they meet and what needs they don’t.
Inner Circle friendships
These are the friends that you call to talk about your fear of failure after starting your new role at work. They assure you just how capable you are. This is the friend that you call and cry on their shoulder when a parent passes away. They show up at the funeral. This is the friend that brings over a noodle bowl from your favorite Vietnamese restaurant to share on your couch and watch that embarrassing show most people don’t know you watch when you are feeling overwhelmed by life.
Inner circle friends know your family history, your fears, your desires, and maybe you have even shared your true self with them. You have most likely weathered the ebbs and flows of friendship over the years, arguments and all. We all need one or two of these intimate friendships.
Middle Circle friendships
These are the friends that you call to try a new hiking trail that you have been hearing about. The friend that you meet for coffee and vent about current politics and the recent wildfires across the state. The friend that you meet at the park and chat while your kids play.
Your middle circle friend is your activity buddy. We all would benefit from a handful or two of friends to explore and share hobbies and interests.
Outer Circle friendships
These are the people that you see on a regular or even daily basis usually due to circumstance. Perhaps this is the barista at your local coffee shop that you spend an extra five minutes chatting with after getting your dirty chai. This is the fellow parent that you sit next to while watching your kid’s soccer game. This is the coworker that sometimes joins you outside while y’all take your lunch break.
Although these are not intimate connections they often influence the tone of your day and can go a long way in making the mundane more pleasant.
Now that you have categorized your current connections and understand where they fit you will be able to see what circle could use your attention.
If you notice your outer circle is bare, choose one person you regularly cross paths with and give them a heartfelt hello next time you see them.
If looking at your middle circle leaves you hearing crickets, invite someone from your outer circle to the music in the park event this weekend.
If the last time you were feeling hurt it seemed like you had no one to call, pick up the phone and reach out to that tried and true friend that has shown up for you in the past and ask them how they are doing.
By putting your attention on what level of connection you have with the people in your life you are able to intentionally grow your friend network. Let’s not ride this roller coaster alone.
Happy friending!
